Memories can often be difficult to interpret correctly. It can be like watching a VHS in rewind…you know, every 90’s kid’s childhood and shared experience all wrapped in a thick Disney case. When you pushed rewind, the screen would get fuzzy with a bunch of lines in the middle. You could kinda make out where you were in the movie, but not until you hit the stop button. If you didn’t get it just right, you’d have to rewind it again until you found the ever-elusive scene in the movie you had missed or wanted to rewatch. There was no restart button. You had to just sit there with it, pause, check, rewind, repeat. If you wanted to watch a movie again, rewind was a necessity. Slap that rewind button and hear that tape spinning at 120mph. It was a painful process, but it was worth it to see Rafeeki beat the kung-fu crap out of some hyenas in the Lion King!
Our memories are similar to these old rugged VHS tapes. Stacks of these memories are sitting in our brain like tapes just waiting to be replayed. It’s not easy though, this whole rewind thing. Sifting through the stacks of the “Warm & Fuzzies” section or the corridors of “Childhood Trauma” is not necessarily a natural choice of activity during a Sunday afternoon.
I don’t know about you, but my memories can be difficult to rewind. Some of them feel like they aren’t even recorded. I’ve always understood my memories to live in two different camps: the good ones and the bad ones. There is not much in-between and I’d rather just skip over the bad parts. It’s these types of key events that are formed and stored that keep us from wanted deep friendships because we are scared of rejection, or compel us to be the best because your dad said you’d never be good enough. Those things hurt, and they stick with us.
In the brain, there are a couple of key places where memories are formed and stored. Something along the lines of that favorite kid song, “the hippocampus is connected to the temporal lobe, the temporal lobe’s connected to the amygdala.” I’ll leave the technical terms and functions of memory to the medical professionals, what I do know is our brain is specifically and intentionally designed to hold onto these memories for recall like episodic memory retention or emotional memories of significant events.
These key events I have heard referred to as “core memories”. If you have ever seen Disney’s Inside Out, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Truly one of Disney’s masterpieces in the modern era. It’s fantastic. Stop reading this, and go watch it right now. Give yourself a few hours to watch, digest, and then come back.
………
Wasn’t it incredible?! I mean, if you consider heart-wrenching, tear-streaming, heart-bursting emotional goodness as incredible, then yeah…it’s incredible. The main character, Riley, is a composition of multiple emotions (primarily focused on joy and sadness in this story) and they create memories in her brain (headquarters). The “core” memories are central, pivotal moments that stick with you, that shape your actions, decision-making, values, and self-worth. And I would say the majority of them are either filled with joy or sadness, err-go the two opposite characters that the movie follows.
What is especially game-changing for me is the complexity of emotions that memories can have. They aren’t always completely joyful or sad, but can be a combination of anger and sadness, fear and joyfulness; a jumbled, emotional mess. Because of Riley’s experience and her needing to “grow up” faster in the face of her circumstances, complex emotions begin to form as part of her core memories.
I can tell you plenty of my core memories are filled with the greatest joy, and some that are steeped in such deep sadness I’d rather just soon forget. What I didn’t know is that hitting rewind on our memories for another look and interpreting our circumstances more objectively can allow us to attach new emotions to those memories and remember them from a different lens. This new rewinded view is something I like to call “Reframing”.
When you reframe a memory, it’s like discovering a hidden viewpoint that brings more depth to the event. Imagine having to solve a crime you didn’t see and only know bits of pieces of the story, but then you discovered a tape to a security camera that caught the whole thing. Even if you don’t know the person and their motives, you have objective proof of the crime and can start taking action. Without this reframing, we may not have a complete picture of the reality of what happened. We may, in fact, be holding so dearly onto something that was not really there, or what was an incorrect interpretation based on incomplete information.
One of the saddest core memories I have with my father was in my parents bedroom one day he was drunk off his ass, and I was really annoyed with him for getting drunk…again. I don’t recall anything about the conversation except for a very specific part. He gave me a “compliment” that I didn’t realize at the time was incredibly triggering to me as an Enneagram 5. I value intelligence and deep thought. I want to be known as someone who is smart, and for someone to think or make me out to be dumb or stupid is a deeply-engrained fear of mine (note the sense of emotional fragility connected to the memory).
My father said to me, “Jordan, you are so smart” in a drunken stupor.
I immediately was enraged by the comment. It’s not that words themselves that were hurtful (at the time), but the state of his mind when he said it. The good-intentioned comment meant nothing, as all I was left with was empty praise and the smell of alcohol on his breath.
My interpretation was:
- He’s drunk
- He doesn’t mean it.
- This comment means nothing when you are drunk.
- I feel insulted.
“How so?” I responded with a sarcastic tone.
“Seeeeee! Right there! You said “how so?” Youuu sound so smartttt”
It’s the affirmation I had likely been waiting all my life to hear, now tainted with the familiar stench of fermented pineapples and vodka that my dad would hide under the bed. Alcohol can be devestating to a family, all the moreso to a 15 year old’s confidence that was already hanging by a thread in a new country, new state, new house, new friends…a new life. That memory has always been pure sadness to me. How could it be anything otherwise? Here’s the importance reframing.
Memories tend to not show the full picture. Remember the VHS rewinding fuzziness? Our core memories can be filled with fuzziness too, and our only clarity are the parts we want to remember or that are brain protects us from remembering. But our protected memories and the way we remember our experiences do not mean that we have all of the facts to be objective. This is significant to interpreting a memory. What are the facts? Is it possible that my dad meant what he said? Could I have some responsibility in the interpretation of the event? Turns out that often when people are in that drunken stupor state, emotions are typically amplified and it’s likely that the emotion expressed was honest and truthful. So when I look at that memory objectively, I see a father, yes albeit in a drunken state, but likely giving an honest appraisal of his son, and while giving affirmation in this state, still affirmation.
My 15 year old self was not in a place to hear that or understand it. What young kid has the maturity to process that the right way? I had already judged my father for his actions, and deemed his comment an insult. I didn’t even give him a chance to express what he felt and already damned his actions and intent. And that memory had always remained as an entirely sad memory.
However, our brains in regard to memories are unique. When playing a memory in rewind and objectively looking at our experience, we can choose to see the parts we missed and redeem that memory. Forgiveness is a tonic for the soul and the key to unlocking truth about our experiences. Forgiveness says “no matter what has been done, I’m ok, and my emotions don’t control my lens anymore.” When a sad memory can be forgiven in earnest, we can attach a new emotion to that memory.
My 34 year old self can now look at that sad memory with the lens of forgiveness, take my fathers comment as honest praise for his son, and now think of that moment with a sense of peace and happiness. I don’t have to be bound by the circumstances surrounding that memory; even the most hurtful experiences can be redeemed.
So…what memories are holding you back from experiencing joy in your life? Who have you not forgiven of the hurts and trauma you carry? Forgiveness is not for the other person, it’s for you. You are the one that benefits from releasing the stranglehold of your oppresser. I encourage you to carefully and thoughtfully dive into your tough memories and see it with a lens of forgiveness. Pressing rewind on our memories can bring a new sense of clarity and a perspective you may have not considered before.
Wholistic Fatherhood 